By: Jill Rippy

Full disclosure: Tonight I’m triggered. This tends to happen for us kids who have been through childhood trauma. Out of nowhere, we can find ourselves triggered by something that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense. But, it can eat at you and eat at you and eat at you to the point of driving you crazy. So, I’m going to channel this into an article tonight.

Foster parenting is hard. There are so many emotions, doubts, and insecurities that come along with this journey. So when people who we love share criticism about whether we should be fostering, it tends to strike a chord with us. When this criticism is offered, one of two things tends to occur.

When you are a fairly new foster parent, you tend to internalize the criticism and second-guess yourself. Especially when you are wrapped up in the first month of a new placement when it’s the absolute hardest, you tend to accept that criticism at a much deeper level and wonder if this person is right and you have done something completely stupid.

However, seasoned foster parents who have been down that road tend to handle it a little differently. We tend to want to tell people to ef off. But we generally don't. We usually just deal and slowly pull away from those people. We are confident in our abilities and confident in the fact that we are doing exactly we have been called/inspired/feel determined to do and don’t really care about anyone else’s criticism. But it takes a LONG time to get to that point. It takes a lot of experience, multiple placements and it takes you going through the deepest, darkest trenches and coming out victorious for you to realize all of those negative people in your life have no freaking idea what they’re talking about. They are projecting onto you their own cowardice.

People who don’t live their lives bravely have a very difficult time being around people who do.

Foster parents are the epitome of living their lives bravely.

Foster parents, you are welcoming strangers into your home, welcoming their families into your life and blindly saying you will step up to the plate when no one else offered to do so. You are cleaning up a mess you did not create because there are other humans/children of God who need you.

So I want to share a little bit of advice for the newbie foster parents out there. Stop listening to people who don’t live their lives bravely. Stop listening to people who want to tell you that you have ruined your life, that you have taken away any opportunity of meeting a special someone or that you’ve gotten yourself into a mess. People who don’t live their lives bravely will tell you all kinds of cowardly reasons why you shouldn’t be doing this thing because they don’t understand it. Your hearts do not align and that’s not on you.

Once upon a time I was a 25-year-old, single teacher in Indianapolis, Indiana who became a foster mom.  I caught a lot of flack. I can remember feeling in the very first weeks of having two teenage girls that maybe everyone around me was right. Maybe I was making a big mistake. Maybe I had completely screwed up my life. Maybe I would never find Mr. Right because I now had “baggage.” In my lowest moments, I listened to those words and I contemplated whether or not everyone else was right. But I had one really strong voice in my life who told me I was doing everything right. That voice gave me encouragement on the late nights when I needed to cry. That voice gave me the pat on the back to keep going and told me that my heart was absolutely in the right place. That was the voice of my Dad. For that, I am forever grateful. My dad’s strong voice got me through a lot of difficult nights. I had two teenage girls for the better part of a year. It was one of the hardest years of my life and one of the best years of my life. I grew tremendously as a human, as a teacher and I gained a lot of insight that I would not have gained otherwise. I also met my husband at the end of that year. If I had quit the second weekend of my first placement, like I wanted because of all of the voices coming at me, my life would not look like it does today. I would not have these gorgeous daughters. I would not have just thrown a big, beautiful wedding for one of my kids. I would not be a Director of a foster care agency. I would not be writing this article today. When I was 25 years old, I made a choice to do what I knew I was supposed to do. It was really, really hard. There were naysayers all around me.

It took me a while, but eventually I tuned them out and I carried on. I lost friends, felt strife with family, but I carried on because I can’t live my life trying to please other people and what they think is right. I had to live for me and I had to do what I knew was the right thing to do.

I want to share some words with the foster parents out there who are struggling right now. The loneliness of foster care is a beast. It can take you down in your darkest moments. Loneliness causes insecurities, second-guessing, worry, illness and will make you think you’re losing your mind sometimes. The fact of the matter is, if you are a foster parent who is feeling lonely and you are feeling all of these big emotions, you are feeling exactly what your foster children feel when they come to your home. Being a foster child is a very lonely feeling. Being a foster parent is a very lonely feeling. Keep going. They need you and maybe you need them. And that’s OK.

Stop taking advice from people who don’t live bravely.

And if you are the naysayer for a foster parent, we really want to tell you to just ef off, so please don't push it. Your opinion will not stop us.

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By Jill Rippy

Did you know there is an organization that can assist children in foster care with obtaining free braces? I fostered a youth who was able to utilize these services.

Here's what you need to know:

• Your income does not ever count when seeking benefits such as this for children in foster care

• There is s $200 application fee. Check with your state to see if reimbursement is possible. In Indiana, the child's annual personal allowance provided by the state can be used.

• Only long term placements are eligible. This is an ideal program for teens choosing to age out of foster care

• There is a waitlist. We waited 9 months.

• Local orthodontists volunteer their services. They do not take this lightly. They are gifting you with $2500+ in services. Be respectful and gracious by ensuring your youth takes care of their new metal mouth, maintains great oral hygiene and doesn't miss appointments.

• Good luck!

Note: I cannot answer any questions or help you with eligibility. I'm simply sharing the resource that we feel very fortunate to have found.

Link: https://www.aaofoundation.net/charitable-giving/donated-orthodontic-services

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By Mary Gemmer, Foster Mother

I sat in a school gym tonight feeling so out of place. I felt like I didn't belong there. After a really rough night last night, where I lost my cool with the kiddos, I felt like I should probably crawl into a hole where they keep all the other horrible parents, the walls covered in spiderwebs and cockroaches screaming in my ears.

I wasn't supposed to be in a school gym, celebrating the end of the year with a choir concert, cheering on my foster daughter who I let down in a ...big way yesterday. I felt like a fraud, and was sure anyone who looked at me tonight would know it.

I didn't want to go tonight. School choir concerts aren't high on my list of things I love to attend. To be honest, I probably went more out of guilt because of our argument the previous night. So I sat there, feeling like a lie and dreading the aftermath of the concert when she would be sure to tear me down as usually happens because it is what she does in the awkward moment of introducing me as her mom.

Then the kids began to enter the gym in single file. She wasn't hard to see since she is the tallest in her class. She found her spot in the choir stands with the rest of the altos, and that is when I saw it.

She was scanning the crowd, looking for the person who failed her the night before. The person who she has to make uncomfortable introductions of, the person who gets it wrong more often than not. She was looking for her mom. She was looking for me. I saw the worry in her face when she didn't see me. She wasn't expecting me to sit dead center front row I guess.

When her face lit up, I knew she finally found me. I saw the relief. I saw the bright smile that turns her into a beautiful African queen. I saw my daughter.

I was that typical mom that holds the phone up so that I could record her singing. I probably was embarrassing her, but I didn't care. I had thoughts of sharing the video with her biological mother since she wasn't there. In that moment, I belonged.

After the concert, I handed her a bouquet of flowers. She was shocked. No one else got flowers. I hoped that wasn't embarrassing for her, but she smiled brightly. I could tell she felt special.

She introduced me to a few friends as her mom, and left out the normal criticisms. Then we drove home.

During the ride, she told me no one had ever given her flowers before. She had never been able to go to any of her choir concerts before because her parents never wanted to take her. No one ever bought her a brand new dress for concerts, because what would be the point?

I guess I haven't completely screwed up with her, or her brother. I just stumble sometimes, and other times I fall flat on my face...like last night. Today was a better day...a good day. I didn't fail her today.

Reflection by Jill Rippy at TheFosterLife.com I'm privileged to call so many foster parents my friends, acquaintances or simply, my people.  We are bound by this one common thing that makes us a united front in helping children heal. Truth be told, we understand each other like none other.  I absolutely love this real, raw account by Mary Gemmer, foster mom extraordinaire, because it shows the side of foster care the outside world rarely sees.  Foster parents are often called saints, angels or special people, to which we chuckle because we know the true story.  We exist in the trenches more days than we can count.  We often feel like failures more than we would like to admit. We are devastatingly flawed as parents who are trying to do this thing that 99% of other humans are unwilling to do.  Honestly, we are trudging along most days praying we are doing it right while scouring resources to make sense of a very traumatized world that we navigate every day.  I look at Mary's journey and see an amazing local foster mother who is making a huge impact.  I'm not certain she can really even see that huge impact as clearly as I can.  She's kind, loving and not only touching the lives of her children, but she's a force right here in our local community impacting change in foster care. Mary, thank you for this true account of what we as foster parents see and feel often.  Yesterday was a bad day. Today is a great day.  Tomorrow may be bad again, but in the long run, you are making a HUGE impact for these lives and many others. Carry on.

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By Jill Rippy

The system is broken because humans manage it; don't use this as an excuse to quit. You knew it was broken way before its attempt to break you.

Your calling doesn’t end just because it gets too hard.

Being a team player is critical. When you are angry, try to gain the perspective of whomever is causing you to feel angry.

This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but they will be worth it. And you will learn more than you ever imagined.

Returning rage with rage never ends well.

Social workers joined this profession because once upon a time, they wanted to change the world just like you. Social workers and foster parents have similar heartbeats.

The first two weeks of a new placement is as exhausting as having a newborn baby.

Group play needs to happen in a common area of the house. Playing doctor and Sexy Barbie's is a thing. Eyes and ears on kids at all times.

You will develop a heightened sense of awareness. Don't get complacent. ?? See Sexy Barbie post above.

You are about to experience the true meaning of perseverance.

Picking up the phone and calling the professional is always better than sending a heated email. Certainly follow up with an email, but pick up the phone first. And be reasonable.

You will regret it a week into a new placement, but it will pass. At 30 days, you will feel normalish again.

You will experience bickering like never before from little people who have been raised in chaos. Family Meetings solve most household problems. Squash it in a family meeting 1-7 times per week.

People will say really stupid stuff to you. No, really...it will be really stupid. And offensive. Most of the time they need educated. Rarely, they are just donkeys.

These are not your kids. Do not enter into this thinking they will be yours forever. Most parents deserve a good chance to heal and reunify.

Some friends & family will drift away because of fear, inconvenience & judgement. It sucks.

You might feel weak, but you aren’t, so buck up.

Your kids will grieve too, but will be better humans because of the experience. Listen to them and talk it out together. We experience grief our entire lives. We are wired for grief. Cry together then model positive coping skills.

You will be tempted to join in negativity; rather than seeing through the lens of being a victim, ask what this experience is trying to teach you.

Venting to a non-fostering friend perpetuates foster fear and does little good. They really don't understand anyway. Cry and gain perspective from fellow fosterers.

Hurtful words from kids aren't personal, though it feels that way. Chances are, those words are aimed at another person who isn't there to take it. Hug it out.

You will see lots of negativity in foster parent social media groups. Do not be tempted to join in. Confidentiality is critical and screen shots are real. And that crap is just tacky.

Humans, heartbreaks, exhaustion, injustices & brokenness will try to make you stop. Be unstoppable.

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By Jill Rippy

Teens tend to be the most feared population of foster children. Without a doubt, the majority of the calls and messages I receive from potential foster parents are from those wishing to foster ages 0 to 5. When I ask why they prefer that age group, I typically hear the desire to follow birth order or they are simply afraid of the risk older children pose. Frankly, the response is rooted in fear.

Let’s just be 100% clear. The most violent children in foster care are not teens...they are toddlers.

Laugh. It makes me laugh too.

No, these toddlers are not going to go all Chucky on you. They are just babies in big bodies trying to communicate through naughtiness.

The reality is that when speaking about the majority of ANY group of children, regardless of foster care, the most violent age group is toddlers. Sure, they can't do as much damage as big kids, but in the sheer volume of incidents & lack of impulse control, toddlers take the prize for hitting, kicking, biting, pushing and scratching.

Speaking from the experience of fostering many teenagers, and now my experience working with many foster children professionally, it is relatively rare to see violence toward a foster family at the hands of a foster teen. Does it happen? Yes. However, the incidents are pretty few and far between with the vast majority of youth in care.

Of the incidents I’ve personally been alerted to, when a foster teen hits a foster parent, it’s generally a situation where the foster parent is returning rage with rage rather than modeling the practice of walking away and letting the youth cool down. The truth of the matter is, if an adult was raging at me and they had me cornered, I would probably get violent too. I imagine you might react the same.

Here’s my 100% honest, non-inflated truth. Teenagers are among some of our easiest children to foster. Hollywood has done such a disservice to our teens in foster care. After all, if we believed the Hollywood stigmas of foster parents, we would find they are all money grubbing, physical abusing, child-molesting monsters. It’s a good thing we don’t listen to Hollywood to find our truth.

The MAJORITY of teenagers in foster care:

-are not on probation

-are not violent

-are not looking for opportunities to sexually abuse other children

-are not rapists

-are not criminals

-have done nothing to land themselves in foster care

-are victims

-need someone to believe in them

-need people to help them make sense of their trauma

-deserve to have a happy remainder of their childhood

-are capable

-want stability

-want boundaries

-need direction

-just want someone to listen

-need strong relationships to help them heal

-deserve to be happy, healthy and thriving

The MAJORITY of children in foster care are there because of a lack of safety as a result of their parents’ choices…not theirs.

Regardless of your age preferences when fostering, let's be fair and engage in honest conversation without stigmas.

Quite frankly, teens in foster care are pretty incredible.

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By Jill Rippy

Do you know that teachers are the next best home if a child can't be placed with relatives?  Teachers can take foster children into their homes as a kinship placement. And, it does not have to be the child’s classroom teacher.  If a teacher or an employee in your school has a relationship with the child who was taken into foster care, they can be considered for a kinship placement. Principals, teachers, aides, custodians, cafeteria specialists...if they have a relationship with that child, they can request to be a resource home.

Further, they are entitled to some benefits. For example, in the state of Indiana, relative and kinship families can receive:

-$300 bed and bedding allowance

-$200 clothing allowance

-respite when you need a break

-$50 holiday and $50 birthday allowance

-6 months free childcare

-child receives full medical, vision and dental coverage

-child has a $300 personal allowance per year

Also, the child can be placed with you as a kinship placement first then you can become a licensed foster parent to then receive funds to care for the child.

Spread the word...Educate our schools!

If you are looking to become a licensed foster parent in the state of Indiana, reach out. Send me an email at thefosterlife@yahoo.com with your name, address and phone number. I will connect you with someone in your state who can help you get started. (I do nothing with your personal info other than connect you with someone who can help you.)

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Remember the family resort in the original Dirty Dancing? Remember the beautiful, scenery, family activities and secret dirty dancing rendezvous nights? Having watched it on repeat in my pre-teen years, to this day, I love that cheesy movie.  Well, you won’t find any secret dirty dancing romps here (that I know of), but Smuggler’s Notch Resort is the closest my family will get to that family resort experience chock full of breathtaking scenery and activities for the whole fam similar to the resort in Dirty Dancing.

Our trip to Smugglers' Notch Resort in Jeffersonville, Vermont was quite the adventure. For our first family trip to the northeast, I can honestly say we had a fantastic adventure. Smuggler’s Notch Resort packs a ton of punch and definitely did not disappoint.

Smuggs is nestled in the mountains. Waking up every morning to beautiful mountain scenery and crisp mountain air with a cup of coffee in hand is a feeling I will never forget. “Smuggs” is a huge (and I mean huge) ski resort during the snowy months, and an active family resort during the warmer months. There are tons of quaint little activities hidden throughout the resort such as a sandbox, miniature golf, life size foosball, several pools, parks, life size chess, tennis courts, volleyball courts, a teen center, gemstone mining and tons of scenery to enjoy all within this one resort. You can even take a Llama Trek through the mountains or a dip in a beautiful lake. There is so much to do, you will never do it all in one week.

Our family stayed in the Villmark Sauna condos at Smuggs and all our needs were met. With a large, fully stocked kitchen, laundry closet, living room/dining room combo, two large bedrooms, flat screen TVs and two bathrooms we were pretty much set. With two balconies, we had two different views of scenery to enjoy. Check out the tour of our condo here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VtZBI9HLFU&t=26s

Your stay at Smuggs includes unlimited access to the Courtside Pool and two hot tubs.

A SmuggsPass can be purchased for the week for $360 for the entire family. This pass gives your family access to two waterparks and unlimited access to the Fun Zone which is an indoor play park with several bounce houses, indoor putt-putt, a play area for young children including a small market and several other fun little attractions.

If you aren’t on a tight budget, children can attend day camp. With a variety of camp experiences to choose from, children can have a blast and parents can have a little alone time.  My children had a lot of fun, and were pretty worn out by the end of the day.

Though I highly suggest driving the 20 minutes to grocery shop at Hannaford’s Supermarket and Dollar Tree, Smuggs also has several restaurants on site. If you need to feed a large family on a budget, I recommend picking up a pizza or hitting the ReFuel snack shop at the Fun Zone. No matter how you decide to "do" food for your vacation, you MUST get a maple ice cream cone from ReFuel.

If you are looking for a nice evening out, I recommend Hearth & Candle Restaurant. We had a wonderful time trying new dishes and it was our one splurge for the week.

Smuggs offers free shuttle service throughout your stay. A quick call will send either a shuttle bus or a golf cart your way to zip you off to your next destination. Courteous, kind and punctual...we made several buddies in the shuttle service that week.

Tips:

-I highly recommend you check Ebay first to snatch up a discounted vacation at Smuggs HERE.

-If you can't find a discounted vacation on Ebay, Smuggs has vacation packages that offer family vacations for a fair price HERE.

-Take time to explore! There is much to see inside and outside of the resort.

-You will not find a Walmart, Target or fast food anywhere in the vicinity of Smuggs. Embrace the slower pace.

-Be sure to stop for gas when you hit ½ tank. You may drive for hours without seeing a gas station.

-Be sure to experience the Country Fair which sets up shop once a week.  The wine tasting alone is worth the visit.  The maple cotton candy is pretty fabulous as well.

-You MUST attend the sing-alongs with Good Time Charlie.  Have a seat on the ground around the fire and sing to great family friendly songs with Good Time Charlie.  Don’t forget marshmallow and roasting sticks for the fire.

-The beautiful beaches of Maine are 3 hours away. Take advantage of the opportunity and go!  They are beautiful!  Wells Beach has a public restroom, concessions, free parking and no entrance fees.

-If you are traveling to Smuggs from the Midwest, be sure to take the ferry across Lake Champlain and try to spot the infamous Champy, the lake monster.

-Check out the resort shop in front of the Mountainside Pool.  They have clearance racks with shirts as low as $5.

-The best tip of all: bring the grandparents to help keep an eye on the kids while you sneak off to adult karaoke, wine tastings and local adventures to unwind and relax.

Smugglers' Notch Resort offers TONS of family activities that are included with your stay as well as enrichment activities for a fee. Whether you are on a tight budget or are wanting to splurge, Smuggs fits everyone’s lifestyle. Put the electronics away, turn off the TV and get outside and explore with your family. This is the vacation where you restore your soul and connect with what's most important...your family.

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August is here! School is starting and electricity is in the air with children buying new backpacks, new clothes and all the necessary school supplies.

This is an exciting time of year where great childhood memories were made over the past two months. Vacations were enjoyed and the lazy days of summer were relished. Now, we embark on a new adventure.

Mothers are eagerly awaiting the first day of school, crying tears of both joy and relief with what the new school year holds.

There is also a relief for the children whom did not make such great memories over the summer. These children know school as their safe place.

The majority of society does not lay eyes on the children that were hungry this summer.

They don't see the hidden bruises on Big Brother who drove his mom a little too crazy and faced the harshness of summer frustrations when he was too loud and got carried away just trying to be a kid.

Many people don't see these children who cared for themselves all day and night while mom slept off her hangover and high from the previous day.

They don't see Little Sister trying to take care of Baby Brother through the crib rails because she's not strong enough to lift him out.

As the thrill of August and a new school year starts, please be mindful that August is met with an influx of children coming into foster care. When children return to school, teachers find that some of their students are breathing a little easier because they are finally safe.

Little Sister knows that as long as she is at school, Mommy's boyfriend won't be touching her private parts.

Big Brother knows that as long as he's at school, he will be fed.

They know that as long as they're at school, no one's going to be beating on them. Or ignoring them.

However, if you see Little Sister's face wrought with worry or you suspect that she has undiagnosed ADD, she just might be thinking about that Baby Brother in the crib all day without her there to take care of him.

She just might be wondering if Boyfriend is doing yucky stuff to Baby Brother because she isn't there to take the abuse.

Big Brother may be anxiously wondering if Mommy will wake up if he's not there to wake her from her drug-induced sleep. He may appear agitated, aggressive or impulsive.

As the anxiety kicks in, so do behaviors at school. You know, "those kids."

We live in a world that is peppered with illness, addiction and cruelty. We need to open our eyes wide to see what is really happening with many children. Then we need to do something about it.

Celebrate the start of a new school year. Take your children school shopping. Go buy the 376 things on the school supply shopping list.

But, with an influx of children coming into foster care in August, could you open your heart and home to just one?

They need you. Foster parents need you. We are at capacity and stretched thin. We need good hearted people to step up and make a difference in the life of a child.

You are capable. Are you willing?

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